Rediscovering Fulfillment in Marriage

by Veronica A. Leach-Zinkham

Regardless of how good a marriage, no marriage is immune to conflict, disagreements, and chaotic circumstances. During confusing times, (empty nest, death loss, health issues, loss of job, depression, and other life transitions and crises) couples may experience feelings of detachment from their spouses or even emotional abandonment. The wise couple can utilize these chaotic situations to delve deep within their inner resources to begin revitalizing their marriage.

Perpetual life stressors can destroy marital intimacy. Depression is often the result when individuals become overly stressed and vulnerable. Partners who misunderstand how to stay emotionally connected to their spouse during painful times often develop a cycle of emotional distancing. This dis-connect in attachment can deteriorate the couples’ intimacy.

At times, during conflict, the tendency is to either shut down or explode. When couples reduce interactions by withholding, withdrawing, or shutting down, intimacy is blocked and incorrect assumptions follow. Or, if the opposite occurs, and partners scream, attack and blame, the outcome is not only angry and hostile - it is destructive.

Unfortunately, when confronting pain and loss, there is no instant solution, but rather slow, steady restructuring. Although gradual, the healing transformation overtime can revitalize a partnership bringing it to a new level of love and trust and resilience. What resources will the successful couple draw upon to restore equilibrium and re-discover marital fulfillment?

Couples are encouraged to express their needs; to be vulnerable and responsive to each other; and to approach problems as allies, not enemies. They will learn to admit areas of weakness and to share each other’s strengths. Knowing your partner’s needs is critical. Appreciation is a man’s primary need. Validation and understanding are a woman’s primary needs. Tapping into your partner’s primary needs nourishes emotional intimacy and promotes healing in relationships.

Each partner in the healthy, successful couple will take responsibility and admit their mistakes, not waste time in pointing out each other’s flaws. They will plant seeds of hope, not pessimism. They understand that empathy permits patience and invites grace into problems. They know how to forgive and withhold judgment and blame. They will keep an open mind and take charge of their attitude. They will stick to the agenda and offer solutions. They will speak only to the facts and model the behaviors they seek.

The couple who is grounded in faith and makes the conscious choice to develop the qualities of adaptability, cohesion, collaboration, flexibility, honesty, humility, and mutuality will have a better chance of overcoming life stressors. In times of persistent confusion and chaos, the couple needs to understand that it is okay to seek quality, professional help.